I've MOVED!

I have pulled out the big guns and moved to my own domain.  

Please follow me there to keep from missing out on the all the juicy tidbits of my life!

Disney Holidays

I have to say, one of the best things about being a Southern Californian is the close proximity to Disneyland. I admit, even if I didn’t have kids, we’d still go as often as possible. As annual passholders, we have some perks to the park that others don’t.  Such as a monthly payment plan (making it affordably easier to pay off), park hopping, discounts on dining and merchandise, not to mention occasional Disney exclusives.

The California Adventure park has been hosting it's Festival of Holidays event that started November 10, 2016 and ending January 08, 2017 with a mixture of Latin flair and Disney magic. We’ve gone a few times since it started and have found something new each time.  I’m sure I’ll miss something, but below are a few of the additions we’ve enjoyed:

• The nighttime World of Color water and light show in front of the boardwalk now boasts festive holiday colors and music.
• Additional food and beverage kiosks have popped up all over with a delicious array of goodies, from warm tamales and sopes, pozole and ceviche, and  some southern comfort food like spicy chicken sausage and sweet potato pie. With pumpkin spice hot cocoa, fruit punch, and eggnog for the kiddies and beer and wine for the adults, there’s something for everyone!
• They’ve kicked up the entertainment around the park, from a stilt circus, to live acapella singers, live bands, mariachi bands, and dancers.
• Let’s not forget a festive corner to visit, chat, and take pictures with the jolly ol’ man in red, Santa!

One of the perks of being an annual passholder is a special corner with exclusive activities, such as coloring, making ornaments, and a special outdoor “photo booth”,  just to mention a few. Our kids are slightly older, so it didn’t hold their attention too much, but we did have a great time watching all the little kid’s faces light up by the Disney Christmas merriment in the air.

As much as I have loved the change in the Disney air for the Holidays, I’m ready for the new year and for things to go back to normal…..and smaller crowds.

Out With the Old...(you know the drill)

                                             "When things are not

+ADDING up in your life, start

      -SUBTRACTING "                     .

                                -anonymous

Where has time gone?  Where all times goes while living life…behind us.
I won’t try to fit in a synopsis of my life for the past four years, I’ll just update as I go about all the wonderful things I’ve seen, experienced, and learned along the way.

It’s that time of year to review the year behind us and plan for the year before us. Although, in truth, we don’t need a new year to change our lives.  There is no stopping point in our lives, such as a period to begin another sentence. Just move forward. You can’t plan ahead, while looking behind you (try walking that way and see if it doesn’t trip you up). You can however, use past experiences to keep from repeating past mistakes. But keep in mind, the variables are never the same thing twice and unfortunately, mistakes can happen again.

 On the plus side, starting new is always invigorating. There’s something about beginnings that give us such energy, hope, excitement that keep us moving forward.  Hold on to that momentum and I can’t imagine 2017 to be a repeat of this past year. And if all else fails and things aren’t adding up in your life, start subtracting those things and see if your life doesn’t change for the better!

We're born with 2 fears

...the fear of abandonment and the fear of falling, everything else we learn.

I suppose I learned this in Mr. Cook's Biology class in high school, but it's one of those things that stick in your mind every time you hear the word.  For me, it was 'fear'.  I couldn't help thinking at the time that if this is true, then I've learned to fear reptiles, the dark, relationships, etc, from somewhere, someone.

Sitting in my panic/anxiety group sessions (yes, 'fear' has overcome me to the point of paralysis and panic attacks), my therapist said something that struck a cord in me, "it is human nature to run from what we fear".  Apparently, I miss the whole fight or flight class somewhere or forgotten it at some point.  Now I'm in therapy to learn how to 'tolerate' and maybe even control my fears, but not how to face them.  I've allowed myself to be drugged to the point of numbness and be questioned over and over again to the point of pain.

My dad asked me the other day, after almost two years of not speaking to me, "What happened to you?  What happened to the girl that was full of fight and didn't allow anything to get her down?"

I don't know.  Maybe after 15 years of marriage, of living in a promise to God, of being absolutely, positively, 100% sure, that this is the right person for you, then finding out that it's not, does something to you.  Maybe it's that the person I'm with has my heart convinced of the same.  How can fear not paralyze me?  How can I not be terrified of allowing myself to be happy with this person, or letting the thought of marriage and the rest of my life with him scare the life out of me?  How do I stand in front of God, family and friends with him and make a promise that I already broke once?  How can I promise something to someone and not doubt myself that I'll take it back one day?

How do I teach my children to trust their instincts, choices and decisions when I doubt mine?  I don't know.

I don't know how to fix my broken heart, promises and dreams or to encourage my kids to follow and believe theirs.  I'm working on it though.  I know that they deserve to have a whole mother and my love deserves to be loved with no reservations.  I know that if I don't learn from this, then I can't possibly make myself or anyone else happy.

So off I go to therapy and to surround myself with family and friends that know and believe in who I use to be.  If I can get back an ounce of the girl that was so full of life and so sure of herself, if I can glimpse a former time and place where I was completely happy, I can build from it.  I'm working on unlearning my fears, I know it's hard, but not impossible.  On the bright side, I'm no longer drowning, I'm treading water and when I'm strong enough, I'll swim again.  Baby steps...

Another year has come and gone...

With all that has happened, another year has come and gone.  This past year has been full of challenges I never thought I'd face.

When you hear the word Divorce, you never stop to think of what it all entails.  How hard it can truly be for everyone, not just to two married people going through it.  I've learned the hard way, just how truly heartbreaking it can be.  Worse of all, I've had to watch my precious little girls have their heart broken daily by it.

However, I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's ALMOST over.  The finality will come with a judge putting a nail in the matrimonial coffin.

What no one ever tells you is the positive that comes from divorce.  The weight that has been lifted, the happiness that can come from being alone and the sense of control.  Sure, there are moments when I allow myself to miss what I had, the sense of security, a complete family, my ignorance to it all, but then I get over it and realize that I'm happier without the misery that all came with him.

I'm looking forward to teaching my girls how to be strong, how you don't need to have a man to feel complete, or that you shouldn't depend on others for you own happiness.  But that if you do have it all and you're happy, then that's a bonus!

Did I make a mistake?

I can't stand second guessing my decisions.  I don't know how many times this question has gone through my head in the past few weeks.

Did I make a mistake?  Did I give up everything I wanted to begin with for something I thought I did?  Can I go back?  Do I want to go back?  Is this just the fear of moving forward that's paralyzing me?

I know what I don't want in my life, everything I gave up to move forward, to be here.  I don't know why I'm having such a hard time though.

Out With The Old, In With The New.....

YEAR, people, I'm talking about new year, old year...you know....

Of course, there are a lot of other things in my life that I'm weeding through, but I consider that spring cleaning and it'll probably take me 'til then to get it all done.

I had a great New Years kick off; surrounded by lots of love, hugs and kisses.  I decided the only resolution I'm making is to not to make any resolutions.  Of course, I'm still promising myself to eat better, workout more, live with less guilt and all the other stuff that resolutions are made of, but I don't consider them resolutions because I normally stick to promises.

There are a lot of new experiences ahead of me that I'm absolutely terrified about, but extremely excited about as well.  I know I've kind of hinted as to what I'm going through, but I'm still not exactly comfortable just saying it (baby steps remember), but it is life altering and I'll be venting a lot more before I can admit to myself (out loud) and to all of you of it.  'Til then, take care everyone and make the best of the New Year ahead of us!