Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Off Track....

"Sometimes you have to forget what you want, and remember what you deserve."

I keep hearing this over and over again!  Sometimes when you're told something long enough, you start to believe it, I'm so sick of doubting myself!  How is it that everyone else thinks they know what I need in my life?

The more I think about what I want and how it affects everyone else, it makes me sick to my stomach.  I start to beat myself up for being so selfish for wanting a little bit of happiness for myself.  As a Mom, my job is to make sure everyone around me is happy first, so what's wrong with me?

Then I spend a day surrounded by my happiness and I allow myself to believe that it's what I deserve.  After all, how can I make sure my kids are happy if I'm not?

Life is divided for me right now, I live in stolen moments of euphoria, but mostly in the reality that everyone else is right.  I know, I know, I'm allowing myself a moment of self-pity, but mostly to remind myself how off track I am.  I know what I want, I know how to get there, why can't I just pull the trigger?  Why can't I get my head out of my ass long enough to see that I'm just delaying the inevitable?  Why don't I just redefine what I want and go for it?

I mean, do I want what I want because I can't have it?  Which is usually the case with me, as soon as I get it, boredom sets in and I'm no longer interested.  In that case, should I just leave my happiness to stolen glimpses of what won't be, just to keep it that way and from getting disinterested in it?  Sometimes I stare at my happiness for so long, I don't even recognize it as the object of my affections.  I don't see myself in it or remember why I want it.  Or I convince myself that I'm better off without it and I grieve the loss of something I didn't even know I ever wanted.

Yes, these are the diluted thoughts I allow myself to think, the thoughts that make me so sick and indecisive.  In the end, I see I'm truly off track, everyone is right and I should just let my life play out as it is, even at the risk of losing everything I love.  Of course, I'll change my mind tomorrow....

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